this summer

Oh goodness!  So much to say and it should start with a thank you to everyone who has left me messages, comments and well wishes.  This summer was wonderful and hard and beautiful and sad and every other emotion that is available to the human experience.

So many time I have wanted to sit here with you and tell you that we have been through some things but have come through the other side.  So many things I took pictures of and did not share and then eventually it became too hard to share those things without sharing the one thing that sits in my heart.  Even my camera seemed too much, something that usually feels right at home with me where ever I go.

I had a wonderful little secret, we did, all of us here.  We only told a few friends and not even my parents or Poppa’s parents.  A beautiful little secret growing in our hearts.  Then one day the secret was no more and we could not tell anyone because we could not share our sadness.  On Mother’s Day, no less, we lost a baby…  Those are the words I just could not share but recently a friend told me that I really needed to.  I was 15 weeks along.  Just far along enough to feel that we were safe.  I truly was happy with our 9 and then we were blessed with a new soul and losing him or her has been hard.  Hard on this momma’s heart.   I threw myself head first into the next thing to do, the next place to go.  Something, anything.  I did not want to share my sad news with anyone.  First because it makes it all the more real, second because I can’t deal with the person who may decide to remind me that I have 9 children as if they are interchangeable.  Well, this is me being vulnerable so if you have thought just that, then please do keep it to yourself.

This summer we tended the garden, we played, we sang, we learned together, we traveled.  We had to because life goes on as many of you may know.  And then a few days ago I pulled out Matthew’s birthday crown and there it was, right on his crown.  That rainbow I put on everything that is his because he is a rainbow baby and he is God’s promise to me that all is well.  That rainbow which means hope and promise also means that we have to look past the clouds to find what is behind it.  You never see the rainbow while it is storming but it will be there and so now you know.  My absence.  I apologize really.  If you were called to pray for us, unknowingly, I thank you.

I can’t really tell you everything we did but I do have a few pictures.  I knew writing this would be the road block to my blogging and that until I wrote it I would not be able to share anything else.  So, I am here.  I miss sharing our little life with all of you.  I am in the process of going through all the comments now and the emails because even that was just too hard.

We are enjoying today which seems very cool out and I see the occasional leaf fly by here and there as I await for the colors on those leaves to start their turn to fall beauty.  We are pulling the summer garden up slowly and preparing to plant for fall.  This summer was everything it was supposed to be but I know summer is almost passed and as fall approaches I try to find space in my heart to hold all that happened this summer.


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28 Responses to this summer

  1. Jennifer February 3, 2015 at 6:55 pm #

    missing you. Hope you, (all or you) are doing well. Feel like you are a family friend after following you for so long. Still think of you often.

  2. MotherOwl January 27, 2015 at 8:41 am #

    I miss you and pary for you. Please come back.

    • Melanie January 28, 2015 at 11:31 am #

      I agree MotherOwl… Thinking of you and wondering if you are going well Tricia? x

  3. Tracy October 15, 2014 at 9:17 pm #

    Tricia, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby this spring and as a mom of 7 (and being a bit older) I really empathize. This was my 3rd miscarriage and frankly the hardest, probably because I am getting older and I know that I am nearing the end of the possibilities…many prayers and much love to you and your sweet family

  4. Vicky October 14, 2014 at 11:52 am #

    Tricia, I've been checking in every couple of weeks and, as someone else had said, was just hoping that you were taking a break to spend the summer being busy with your family. I am so sorry for your loss, and you'll be in my prayers. I hope that you and your family are supported as you grieve and heal – thank you sharing with us.

  5. Suzanne October 10, 2014 at 5:06 am #

    Interesting – Bloglovin referred me to you based on another blog I just favorited. I am so glad 🙂 I love your blog and your family! Thank you for sharing.

  6. Jacki September 17, 2014 at 4:19 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. Every life is precious whether you have one or twenty little loves. It's right to mourn as from the moment you realize there is a life within you, you fall madly and deeply in love. I will continue to pray for your sweet family. Stay strong and thank you so very much for sharing this with us. We missed you!

  7. Susan September 17, 2014 at 2:14 pm #

    Tricia- I was hoping you were just super busy. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. Elizabeth B September 17, 2014 at 12:54 pm #

    I have never once commented on your blog, but have followed it for a very long time. I would check in frequently (usually daily) to see if you were back. I was delighted this morning to see that you were indeed back, but so sad to read of your loss. You are a wonderful mother and an inspiration. Thank you for coming back, and thank you for sharing something so deeply personal. God Bless you and your beautiful family.

  9. Anne September 17, 2014 at 12:05 pm #

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing. God bless you!

  10. Brandi September 16, 2014 at 7:04 pm #

    I am so, so sorry for your loss, its one of the hardest losses of all. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    I am so very happy though to see you back!! I love your blog, and watching your family grow, even though I don't know you all personally, your blog is a bright spot on my computer screen!!! You have truly been an inspiration to myself. To watch how you do the things you do, makes me say, hey I can do that!!! Your faith in god makes me believe, you are a strong beautiful woman. For sharing, I think you.

  11. Sara Champi September 16, 2014 at 12:33 pm #

    Tricia, I am so sorry for your families loss. so hard especially on Mothers Day. I have lost three little ones and my struggle led me to start a ministry in my Diocese called Embrace There is also on in Atlanta we hold a memorial mass near Mother’s Day, a walk in October, and ornament making in December. I hope you named your baby and were able to hold some type of service. You have been in my prayers and will continue to be. God Bless

  12. sonrie September 16, 2014 at 1:35 am #

    so sorry for all of your pain. sending prayers your way. It wouldn't matter if this was your first pregnancy or your 50th (though God help you if it was that 🙂 – it is still a child.

  13. Brenna September 16, 2014 at 12:42 am #

    I am truly sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby this summer – I was 14 weeks. We named the baby Matthew, as we read the Gospel of Matthew in the ER. A dear friend sent me the book, “After Miscarriage: A Catholic Woman’s Companion to Healing & Hope.” It helped me feel not so alone during such a rough time. I will keep you in my prayers.

  14. Kate Talley September 15, 2014 at 9:45 pm #

    Tricia, I'm so glad to hear that you are alright. I've been meaning to send an email, but unfortunately this summer has been a real hard one for me too.
    "Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We only have today. Let us begin." Mother Teresa
    Don't worry about catching up, just begin with sharing pictures and thoughts from today.
    Much love, Kate Talley

  15. Brigitte September 15, 2014 at 9:25 pm #

    I hope your family continues to heal. I definitely missed your blog, but assumed you were just very busy with your big beautiful family. My condolences

  16. Andrea September 15, 2014 at 6:33 pm #

    So glad to see you're back and I'm very sorry for your loss. Having lost two of my own many years ago I understand. It can be such an unbearable feeling and you took time to grieve. Your blog is such an inspiration to me and I know many many others. Thank you for sharing it all with us. Even though I don't know you, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Many blessings.

  17. Corinne September 15, 2014 at 5:05 pm #

    What a pretty bouquet of flowers! We planted sunflowers but they haven't come up; I want to try again next year.

    I am sorry for your loss. You and your family are in our prayers.

    I think Alexandra inherited your photography skills 🙂

  18. Patricia September 15, 2014 at 2:49 pm #

    I am so very sorry for your loss! When we lost a child, the quote below brought me a measure of peace. May it do the same for you, too. I've missed you! Prayers ascending for you & your beautiful family!

    "When God takes someone from us, it is always for a good reason. When the sheep have grazed and thinned the grass in the lower regions, the shepherd will take a little lamb in his arms, carry it up the mountain where the grass is green, lay it down, and soon the other sheep will follow.

    Every now and then Our Lord takes a lamb from the parched field of a family up to those Heavenly Green Pastures, that the rest of the family may keep their eyes on their true home and follow through."

    ~ Simple Truths: Ven. Fulton J. Sheen

  19. Amy September 15, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

    Glad to see you here again. I am sorry for your loss. Your summer pictures are beautiful.

  20. Sharron September 15, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

    I was so glad to see your post on my Feedly this morning!! But I'm so sorry to hear your news. I will be praying for you. I've been wanting to tell you about a book that we read that your children would enjoy, I think. You may have already read it, but there are two actually, by Scott Russell Sanders. Warm as Wool and The Floating House. The second one especially made me think of your family.

  21. leah September 15, 2014 at 11:11 am #

    Oh Tricia, I'm so very sorry…the loss of a child is every mama's worst fear. Thank you for sharing…even though I don't know you in person, I have been very blessed by your blog and your sweet family, and I've been worried about you. I was so happy to open up my Bloglovin feed this morning and see your name!

  22. Pru September 15, 2014 at 3:15 am #

    I have been praying for you too! Glad to hear your voice again!

    Oh, and I have completed many Pinterest projects on Saturdays and I always think of you.

    • farmishmomma September 15, 2014 at 4:17 am #

      Oh Pru, that makes me so happy, you just don't know!

  23. Karen Reynolds September 15, 2014 at 1:30 am #

    So glad you're back. You have been in my thoughts and prayers.

    • farmishmomma September 15, 2014 at 4:16 am #

      Thank you Karen!! Keep them coming 🙂

  24. Millie September 14, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    I have only been blessed with one child, so I do envy you your many blessings, but I also mourn with you the lost of your little one. Every life is precious and loved. I'm so happy you are back with us.

    • farmishmomma September 14, 2014 at 10:59 pm #

      Thank you Millie!! You have spoken the perfect words.

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