this summer

Oh goodness!  So much to say and it should start with a thank you to everyone who has left me messages, comments and well wishes.  This summer was wonderful and hard and beautiful and sad and every other emotion that is available to the human experience.

So many time I have wanted to sit here with you and tell you that we have been through some things but have come through the other side.  So many things I took pictures of and did not share and then eventually it became too hard to share those things without sharing the one thing that sits in my heart.  Even my camera seemed too much, something that usually feels right at home with me where ever I go.

I had a wonderful little secret, we did, all of us here.  We only told a few friends and not even my parents or Poppa’s parents.  A beautiful little secret growing in our hearts.  Then one day the secret was no more and we could not tell anyone because we could not share our sadness.  On Mother’s Day, no less, we lost a baby…  Those are the words I just could not share but recently a friend told me that I really needed to.  I was 15 weeks along.  Just far along enough to feel that we were safe.  I truly was happy with our 9 and then we were blessed with a new soul and losing him or her has been hard.  Hard on this momma’s heart.   I threw myself head first into the next thing to do, the next place to go.  Something, anything.  I did not want to share my sad news with anyone.  First because it makes it all the more real, second because I can’t deal with the person who may decide to remind me that I have 9 children as if they are interchangeable.  Well, this is me being vulnerable so if you have thought just that, then please do keep it to yourself.

This summer we tended the garden, we played, we sang, we learned together, we traveled.  We had to because life goes on as many of you may know.  And then a few days ago I pulled out Matthew’s birthday crown and there it was, right on his crown.  That rainbow I put on everything that is his because he is a rainbow baby and he is God’s promise to me that all is well.  That rainbow which means hope and promise also means that we have to look past the clouds to find what is behind it.  You never see the rainbow while it is storming but it will be there and so now you know.  My absence.  I apologize really.  If you were called to pray for us, unknowingly, I thank you.

I can’t really tell you everything we did but I do have a few pictures.  I knew writing this would be the road block to my blogging and that until I wrote it I would not be able to share anything else.  So, I am here.  I miss sharing our little life with all of you.  I am in the process of going through all the comments now and the emails because even that was just too hard.

We are enjoying today which seems very cool out and I see the occasional leaf fly by here and there as I await for the colors on those leaves to start their turn to fall beauty.  We are pulling the summer garden up slowly and preparing to plant for fall.  This summer was everything it was supposed to be but I know summer is almost passed and as fall approaches I try to find space in my heart to hold all that happened this summer.


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horses and dreams

I have two horse lovers.  I don’t know where it came from.  Yes, they have lived on a farm since very young but we have never had a horse.  We have had cows, pigs, chickens, ducks, guinea hens, rabbits and many dogs but horse, no.  In the past year the horse obsession has gotten quite bad.  Every book, every drawing, every item they create is about horses.  They love horses, those girls of mine.

They have asked for horse riding lessons for years but the cost has always been prohibitive.  With schooling, food and house payments, it is quite hard to squeeze out monies for expensive horse riding lessons.  Those are the things I plan for some day.  A someday that is never very close.   And then one day the opportunity came looking for us right at home.

I was sitting on the couch with a friend who was visiting while her daughter took lessons just down the street from us.  Horse riding lessons.  I dared to ask how much the classes were and then filed that info away in my momma brain for just in case.  It just so happens that fate is a friend because during Grandma Yoli’s visit, she mentioned that she would want to help with some of the fees if we ever found a good place to take lessons and just one week later these horse loving girls of mine had a dream come true.  A dream also made possible by a little business I have been working at and still have not shared with any of you.  Soon, I promise.

Not much has been said at the dinner table, that does not have something to do with horses as of late.  They live for Tuesday so they can go to the farm and brush, feed and ride their new found companions.  It is a bit scary for this momma who can be a bit over protective, to see her girls up on a horse so very high that they could easily put their boots on my head or shoulders.  I try to breath and trust.  Trust that their guardian angels are watching over them.  Letting them revel in their new dream come true.

At bedtime on those nights, I check on them after they have fallen asleep and I see a new look on their sweet faces.  The look of happiness.  Happiness brought to them by horses and dreams.

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