I have now been a parent for over 21 years. No clue how so much time has gone by but it has. Anyone who has a few children also knows that God makes them all different. What works with your first child will almost never work with the second, or third. Throughout the years, we have settled on a parenting style that while being very different from many other families, has worked well for us. Our style is this, respect the child.
Respect is a very big word. The dictionary says it is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievement.
Do we admire our children for their abilities, qualities or achievements? Some may but too much of that and you end up a child who believes that the planets align around him. In our family, we respect each child for the dignity that each person is given by his creator. God has created each and every one of his children out of love and he respects us enough to give us free will to either love him or not.
How does this correlate to raising our children? In my circles I have had friends who are homeschoolers, send their children to private or public school, are conservative, liberal, religious, atheist, environmentally conscious, material driven etc. In those families I have seen the good and the bad. The biggest debate among these is the rod. You probably know of the rod from your own childhood when even the neighbor was allowed to scold the child who trampled on their daisies or anyone’s grandma could tell you to stop what you were doing that instant. The proverbial rod spoken of in the bible or the rod used by your very own parents. In my case, it was a shoe or belt. It is one of the things that as a parent, I have gone back and forth on not really sure which way is the right way.
In some ways I look at my own childhood and recall being spanked often. I see where it may have helped to teach me some respect towards other or perhaps instill authority. We respected our elders, any of them even if they weren’t directly in charge of us. It was just the way. We always greeted adults and we looked at them in the eyes. We did what we were told and stayed out of the way when we were not needed generally playing for hours and hours outside until being called in for dinner. I also have the memory of feeling bitter resentment for having been spanked out of what sometimes felt like anger. I remember thinking that I would never hit my child once I was a parent.
If I mentally study the families that we know, there are the ones who spank that have produced the most amazing adults. Who love their families and are responsible, contributing members of society. I also know other families who spank that have children who seem respectful and obedient while in front of their charges but take almost delight in getting away with something when they have the chance. These children say “yes maam” and smile when they are asked to do something but it seems they do what they are asked because they must and not because it is the right thing to do. As soon as they can “get away with anything” they do.
On the flip side of this coin, there are those families who do not spank at all believing that they do not have the right to do so just because they are bigger than the child or that they will somehow alienate their child who will no longer love them for the discipline. I have known a few of these families who have wonderful children, who have a gentle way about them and somehow raise families who do what has to be done everyday without the threat of physical violence (can you see the rainbow and hear the birds chirping?). And then there are those who have lost all control of their children and have no clue how to get it back if they ever had it because their children do not listen. They do not respect their parents and do not respect anyone since they have been taught to do what makes them happy.
Please do not take offense to any of these. We are all different and if your family fits into one of these categories, it’s because you are a human who is raising humans who have a fallen nature and we are all trying to do the best that we can.
I have heard many, many times that saying “spare the rod and spoil the child”. It is in the bible. In 21 years of being a momma, I can remember 3 or 4 times when I decided that spanking one of my children was necessary. I have struggled with the idea that I have not parented them correctly because we do not spank. I struggle just like all parents struggle with the idea that something they have done or not done will harm their child from reaching his true potential.
But what if the rod is not really what we are thinking. Who uses the rod that the bible is talking about. I go back to a shepherd. The Good Shepherd who steers his flock as we steer our flock. Then a friend said something that has made me really think. Shepherds do not strike the flock with the rod, they use it to guide the flock to safety, or water or where ever it is they need to flock to go.
Yes, this is what our parenting style is. As soon as one of our babies can understand a few words, we start working with them. We teach them to sit during a meal, to play nice with siblings, to pick up the sock they threw on the floor. Once they are talking we teach them to apologize when they have hurt someone. To stop when we say stop and come to us when we say come. When they are toddlers we introduce them to consequences. Our consequence is usually the wall. I have had little ones who have done something they knew was wrong and have only discovered what they did after finding them standing staring at a wall 🙂 The wall gives them a place to stand quietly and calm down yet it is not a fun place to be. All of our children have had some time with a wall, some more than others. For some all that is needed are a few words of correction. I have had children who crumble just from the knowledge that they have somehow dissapointed us. There are also the children who need more than just words.
One thing I will not do is scream. It does not work. I feel as soon as I start screaming, I am giving away my position as momma. I do not need to scream and have found that when things get really out of control, I whisper. It makes everyone stop because they cannot hear me. If screaming worked, you would not have to do it over and over. No momma, you do not need to scream and your house will be all that much quieter once you stop.
Our greatest advice to people who ask how we get our children to behave is to expect it. We expect our children to respect us and we give them that respect back. We expect them to listen to us because that is the way that God designed the family. They listen to us and we listen to God. The second piece of advice is be consistent. If we say no to Nick who wanted to have another slice of cake, there is no amount of whining or pleading that will ever make me change that no to a yes. If I told my daughter that she would not go to that party she was invited to if her room was not clean, no matter how much I may have wanted her to go and have fun, I assure you, she will not go.
Life is full of consequences. It just is. We must teach our children that everything in life will have a consequence. The safest place to learn about those consequences is at home. If you have fallen into the position of momma doorstep, you can take your authority back. You own it, it is your God given authority. It may not be popular in society these days to impose yourself as the supreme authority in your house because you are the parent but children need us to guide them. It will not make you the cool mom but your child does not need any more friends. They need a parent.
Consequences last way longer than spankings do. They set a pattern than children will remember and can follow. I will add that I love my momma and poppa dearly. I wish I could be with them everyday but that relationship took years to grow. As a child, I did not share my dreams and worries with my parents. I did not have that kind of relationship with them. I want my children to come to me with their thoughts, ideas, struggles and they do. So far, our family has grown in a nurtured environment where we can all depend on each other and share the most important and the most mundane of things. Our children do what is right because we have earned their hearts just as we do what is right because God has earned our hearts.
So we will not spare the rod. We will use that rod to gently guide our children in the way they should go until they can walk without us. We will not strike our children with that rod as our way of discipline but as the shepherd keeps his sheep from falling over a cliff, there may be the day when we may need to spank one of them. We will step back and wait for our anger to subside, we will do it with love and respect.
How do you discipline your children? Where do you think you’ve been successful and where do you think you need a change?
We choose not to physical punishment – we wouldn't hit colleagues, our parents, our friends or our spouse for not listening to us, so why children? The most vulnerable members of our society, I sincerely believe that it isn't ok to hit – for me, the bottom is no different to any other part of the body. I don't want to use my size to moderate someone else. I respect each person's right to parent as they see fit, and we all have such different experiences/lives/situations, that there can't be a one-size-fits-all way of parenting. But it works better for us to find different approaches to boundaries and sanctions.
And I couldn't agree more about the whispering thing – it's so effective!
What I really appreciate is the amount of thought you (and the commenters) have given this topic, and I am very moved by your thoughts on the rod, as possibly originally intended, in the Bible. For me, it is a far easier concept to understand – the idea of the rod as a method of guidance and protection.
My mother spanked, and I also spanked. But one thing my mother told me when I first became a mother, was that the rod means discipline, not hitting. Discipline comes in many forms and as a mother you have many tools in your belt. Discipline is about consistency, not hitting. Consistent expectations, and consistent consequences. Time Out, or a lost privilege can be just as useful as a spanking at times, and in many situations, more appropriate. The point is to consistently give the child consequences for out of the ordinary behavior. Reward the good, and punish the bad. Rewarding the good is just as important as punishing the bad.
Most times, behavior can be stopped before it escalates to a punishable offense if you as a parent are paying attention to what the child is doing. That said, we are not always present, and our little angels do not always in every situation follow the good behaviors we have tried to instill.
My mother explained to me that if they have acted out while you were right there, a spanking is not warranted, because you were not handling your responsibility as a parent any better than they were handling their responsibility to act right, since you did not clue in enough to diffuse the situation before it reached that level.
There were also 5 rules about spanking.
1. You have a serious responsibility as the parent to make sure it is spanking, not hitting.
2. Never spank in anger. If you are spanking because you are angry, you are hitting. If what they have done has sent you through the roof, Mom takes a time out first. Child goes to his room, until you are calm. Usually only takes 2-5 minutes to think it through and calm down. Then bring them back out and handle the situation as appropriate. Do not make them wait any longer than necessary either, because the waiting is strenuous to the child and they should not have to endure it for any longer than it is necessary for you to collect yourself. What happened may or may not require a spanking, even if it angered you.
2. 90% of spankings should really be a swat. One.
3. If the situation is dire enough, that a real spanking is required, the child is told plainly, in definite terms what action has required this. Then the spanking is given, and it is over. No more words of disapproval. Punishment has been given and it is over. No apologies. You are the parent, and discipline is your job.
4. A spanking is 1 swat or 3 swats, no more, and never anywhere but the bottom. More than 3 and you are not making anymore of a point than 3 would. Anywhere besides the bottom, and you are just hitting.
5. A spanking is only for blatant misbehavior that was performed willfully despite the knowledge and ability to do better than that in that situation. Spankings are not for accidents or actions done out of ignorance on the Childs part.
My mother explained to me that the point of discipline is to correct behavior. If talking will do it, there is no reason to go further. If a time out will do it there is no reason to go further.
I knew she was right, because this was how she had raised us. I knew she was right because I had learned, and I respected her, but I had never feared her.
I do admire parents who are disciplined enough themselves to stay on top of situations, and not let situations get to the point that a severe discipline is required.
Jennifer, your words are worth their weight in gold! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and type all of that down. I hope many will read it.
My biggest concern with my ability to use spanking wisely is that once I give myself permission to do it – it's too easy for me resort to it out of anger so I just had to stop using it as a consequence at all. The "chair", "the stairs" and the (worst of all) "your room" is working for us no – it is a consequence my 3 year old can understand, while a smacked bottom or hand clearly confuses and scares him.
I was hesitant at first, but pleasantly surprised at just how much a 2 or 3 year old can understand when teaching consequences and having a "time out" spaces has helped me from yelling and loosing my control as mother so many times since I first started it.
I love your image of the rod as guidance – that makes so much sense in terms of the biblical applications. In fact, isn't Jesus our Shepherd who did just that – lead his flock gently and without violence?
Thank you for a lovely post!
p.s. I've always like the idea of "the rod" as a tool of protection, which it would have been to a shepherd. Thereby using the rod to keep dangers away from our flocks – whether it's unsavory media,other children or families who don't provide a good role model, etc.
It took a few years, but we did eventually learn that spanking did not work, not for us and our children. 26 years of being parents (with four little ones still at home) and so far so blessed. You stated everything beautifully and elegantly. Thank you for letting me see this in a different light. I have felt guilty for not spanking, even though spanking never felt right to me. I never thought of the rod as being the one held by THE shepherd. Now it makes perfect sense. Again, thank you.
yes. This is something I have, regrettably taken a long time to figure out. I love how you describe the rod.
I am still desperately working on the yelling part, though. I KNOW that it doesn't work. but it is a hard habit to break when raised with yelling. I know once I start yelling that I am stressing, usually over something that is just not important, and to take a step back. Kudos to you for speaking out on this heated topic.
We have a staircase instead of a wall – it works just as well. And yes screaming is so not helping any. Thanks.
Thanks so much for sharing Tricia. I think it's very interesting that I agree with almost every word you said, except that we do spank! Love that we can be in agreement, but still do things differently! Love you sister!