I have now been a parent for over 21 years. No clue how so much time has gone by but it has. Anyone who has a few children also knows that God makes them all different. What works with your first child will almost never work with the second, or third. Throughout the years, we have settled on a parenting style that while being very different from many other families, has worked well for us. Our style is this, respect the child.
Respect is a very big word. The dictionary says it is a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievement.
Do we admire our children for their abilities, qualities or achievements? Some may but too much of that and you end up a child who believes that the planets align around him. In our family, we respect each child for the dignity that each person is given by his creator. God has created each and every one of his children out of love and he respects us enough to give us free will to either love him or not.
How does this correlate to raising our children? In my circles I have had friends who are homeschoolers, send their children to private or public school, are conservative, liberal, religious, atheist, environmentally conscious, material driven etc. In those families I have seen the good and the bad. The biggest debate among these is the rod. You probably know of the rod from your own childhood when even the neighbor was allowed to scold the child who trampled on their daisies or anyone’s grandma could tell you to stop what you were doing that instant. The proverbial rod spoken of in the bible or the rod used by your very own parents. In my case, it was a shoe or belt. It is one of the things that as a parent, I have gone back and forth on not really sure which way is the right way.
In some ways I look at my own childhood and recall being spanked often. I see where it may have helped to teach me some respect towards other or perhaps instill authority. We respected our elders, any of them even if they weren’t directly in charge of us. It was just the way. We always greeted adults and we looked at them in the eyes. We did what we were told and stayed out of the way when we were not needed generally playing for hours and hours outside until being called in for dinner. I also have the memory of feeling bitter resentment for having been spanked out of what sometimes felt like anger. I remember thinking that I would never hit my child once I was a parent.
If I mentally study the families that we know, there are the ones who spank that have produced the most amazing adults. Who love their families and are responsible, contributing members of society. I also know other families who spank that have children who seem respectful and obedient while in front of their charges but take almost delight in getting away with something when they have the chance. These children say “yes maam” and smile when they are asked to do something but it seems they do what they are asked because they must and not because it is the right thing to do. As soon as they can “get away with anything” they do.
On the flip side of this coin, there are those families who do not spank at all believing that they do not have the right to do so just because they are bigger than the child or that they will somehow alienate their child who will no longer love them for the discipline. I have known a few of these families who have wonderful children, who have a gentle way about them and somehow raise families who do what has to be done everyday without the threat of physical violence (can you see the rainbow and hear the birds chirping?). And then there are those who have lost all control of their children and have no clue how to get it back if they ever had it because their children do not listen. They do not respect their parents and do not respect anyone since they have been taught to do what makes them happy.
Please do not take offense to any of these. We are all different and if your family fits into one of these categories, it’s because you are a human who is raising humans who have a fallen nature and we are all trying to do the best that we can.
I have heard many, many times that saying “spare the rod and spoil the child”. It is in the bible. In 21 years of being a momma, I can remember 3 or 4 times when I decided that spanking one of my children was necessary. I have struggled with the idea that I have not parented them correctly because we do not spank. I struggle just like all parents struggle with the idea that something they have done or not done will harm their child from reaching his true potential.
But what if the rod is not really what we are thinking. Who uses the rod that the bible is talking about. I go back to a shepherd. The Good Shepherd who steers his flock as we steer our flock. Then a friend said something that has made me really think. Shepherds do not strike the flock with the rod, they use it to guide the flock to safety, or water or where ever it is they need to flock to go.
Yes, this is what our parenting style is. As soon as one of our babies can understand a few words, we start working with them. We teach them to sit during a meal, to play nice with siblings, to pick up the sock they threw on the floor. Once they are talking we teach them to apologize when they have hurt someone. To stop when we say stop and come to us when we say come. When they are toddlers we introduce them to consequences. Our consequence is usually the wall. I have had little ones who have done something they knew was wrong and have only discovered what they did after finding them standing staring at a wall 🙂 The wall gives them a place to stand quietly and calm down yet it is not a fun place to be. All of our children have had some time with a wall, some more than others. For some all that is needed are a few words of correction. I have had children who crumble just from the knowledge that they have somehow dissapointed us. There are also the children who need more than just words.
One thing I will not do is scream. It does not work. I feel as soon as I start screaming, I am giving away my position as momma. I do not need to scream and have found that when things get really out of control, I whisper. It makes everyone stop because they cannot hear me. If screaming worked, you would not have to do it over and over. No momma, you do not need to scream and your house will be all that much quieter once you stop.
Our greatest advice to people who ask how we get our children to behave is to expect it. We expect our children to respect us and we give them that respect back. We expect them to listen to us because that is the way that God designed the family. They listen to us and we listen to God. The second piece of advice is be consistent. If we say no to Nick who wanted to have another slice of cake, there is no amount of whining or pleading that will ever make me change that no to a yes. If I told my daughter that she would not go to that party she was invited to if her room was not clean, no matter how much I may have wanted her to go and have fun, I assure you, she will not go.
Life is full of consequences. It just is. We must teach our children that everything in life will have a consequence. The safest place to learn about those consequences is at home. If you have fallen into the position of momma doorstep, you can take your authority back. You own it, it is your God given authority. It may not be popular in society these days to impose yourself as the supreme authority in your house because you are the parent but children need us to guide them. It will not make you the cool mom but your child does not need any more friends. They need a parent.
Consequences last way longer than spankings do. They set a pattern than children will remember and can follow. I will add that I love my momma and poppa dearly. I wish I could be with them everyday but that relationship took years to grow. As a child, I did not share my dreams and worries with my parents. I did not have that kind of relationship with them. I want my children to come to me with their thoughts, ideas, struggles and they do. So far, our family has grown in a nurtured environment where we can all depend on each other and share the most important and the most mundane of things. Our children do what is right because we have earned their hearts just as we do what is right because God has earned our hearts.
So we will not spare the rod. We will use that rod to gently guide our children in the way they should go until they can walk without us. We will not strike our children with that rod as our way of discipline but as the shepherd keeps his sheep from falling over a cliff, there may be the day when we may need to spank one of them. We will step back and wait for our anger to subside, we will do it with love and respect.
How do you discipline your children? Where do you think you’ve been successful and where do you think you need a change?
